Even couples who mutually agree that a divorce is the right course of action are likely to feel sorrow when giving up on the future they had planned with a partner. The situation becomes even more difficult when children are involved.
While no parent wants to give up time with their kids, the most common outcome in child custody cases in Maryland is some form of joint custody. Maintaining loving relationships with both parents is typically considered to be in the best interests of children.
Unfortunately, co-parenting can be extremely difficult following a contentious divorce or custody battle. You might have trouble keeping communications civil, or you may be dealing with a manipulative or vindictive ex who tries to make your life harder at every turn.
However, you must uphold your end of the custody order, even if the other parent won’t. What can you do to make necessary interactions like drop-offs and pick-ups easier?
Choose a Neutral Location
Certain environments might lead to charged interactions with your ex. For example, if you remained in the family home, it may not be a good idea to have your ex pick up and drop off the kids at your location. This can evoke feelings of grief or resentment that ignite bad behavior.
The best way to avoid the emotions tied to certain locations is to choose a neutral spot for pick-ups and drop-offs, ideally a midpoint between your two households. Picking a public location could help you avoid contentious interactions that might occur in a private space like a home.
Stick to the Plan
A child custody arrangement typically includes some provisions related to when each parent enjoys custody time. Whether you get alternating weeks with your kids, swap custody midweek, or have visitation time every other weekend, it’s important to stick to the court-approved or court-ordered parenting plan.
What if the other parent refuses to comply by showing up late or constantly changing plans without running it by you first? In this case, you should keep a log of every infraction — this will help if you decide to take them to court.
Even if your ex breaks the rules, don’t engage in the same behavior. For one thing, you’re legally bound to follow the court order, and for another, such disruptive behavior only creates more instability and stress for children.
Don’t Use Kids to Communicate
Whether your child is five or fifteen, dragging a kid into adult matters is a major no-no. As a parent, your job is to act in the best interests of your children, providing a safe, stable, and supportive environment. Ideally, both parents are committed to this goal, even after a contentious divorce.
If you and your spouse can’t communicate without getting heated, that’s not your cue to make your kids the go-between. You and your ex are adults, and part of your responsibility as parents is to shield your children from harm, not drag them into the middle of adult problems.
If Necessary, Include a Third Party
If you have tried but failed to maintain civil communications with your ex where pick-ups and drop-offs are concerned, it may be time to involve a third party. This could be a trusted family member like a grandparent or sibling who gets along with both parents and is willing to step in and manage child swaps. However, it can be a big ask.
Professional help might be a better option. You could ask the court to appoint a parenting coordinator. Often a legal or mental health professional, this impartial third party is tasked with advocating for the best interests of children while helping parents find ways to coordinate parenting duties more effectively.
For a simpler solution, consider hiring a co-parenting coach. This coach is a third party who isn’t affiliated with the court system and who has a different objective: to provide guidance and direction to parents while trying to find solutions that work for all parties.
Seek Professional Intervention
If all else fails, you may need professional intervention to resolve disputes. You might ask your ex to see a family therapist, for example, or arrange for a mediator to help you come up with a solution that works for both parties.
As a last resort, when your ex won’t comply with the parenting agreement, your attorney can file a motion with the court to enforce the order or hold your ex in contempt.
You Can Only Do Your Best
Parenting is hard at the best of times. Co-parenting after a contentious divorce can feel impossible. Do your best to stick to the plan, meet at neutral locations for pick-up and drop-off, and if necessary, seek help from a third party.
If you’re struggling with hardships related to contentious co-parenting after divorce, the capable and compassionate team at Blattner Family Law Group is here to help. Contact us now to schedule a free consultation.